War and Peace: The Cat Edition

For thousands of years, humans have attempted to live peacefully beside cats. Cats, meanwhile, were never informed that this was the arrangement.

We call it “pet ownership,” which is pretty damn funny when you think about it. I buy the food. I pay the bills. I clean the litter boxes. I provide housing, entertainment, climate control and medical care.

Mika and Koji contribute absolutely nothing financially.

And yet somehow I’m the one asking permission to move a cat so I can sit on my own furniture.

So no, I don’t think living with cats is really an owner-pet relationship. It’s more like an ongoing series of border disputes, trade negotiations, surprise occupations and temporary ceasefires.

Peace is possible.

It just tends to last until somebody closes a door.

The Battle of the Bed

You go to sleep with an entire mattress.

Several hours later, you wake up hanging onto an 11-inch strip along the edge while the cat is stretched diagonally across the middle like he personally closed escrow on the place.

And God forbid you try to move him.

That look.

You’d think you’d just rolled over and annexed Poland.

Here’s the practical part: cats choose sleeping spots because they’re warm, comfortable and, most importantly, they feel safe there. If you’d like to reclaim enough mattress to keep yourself from hitting the floor at 2:00 a.m., try putting a soft cat bed or folded blanket near you.

Will your cat use it?

Maybe.

I said this was practical advice. I didn’t say I performed miracles.

The Food Wars

Dinner is served at 5:00.

It is now 5:03.

Apparently we’re all going to die.

Cats are ridiculously good at learning routines, particularly routines involving food. Unfortunately, they’re also good at teaching us routines.

If Mika yells, Koji circles my legs and I immediately feed them, guess what they’ve learned?

The yelling and ankle assault worked.

This is one of those annoying moments when we humans have to admit we may be contributing to the problem. Try to keep meals reasonably predictable, but don’t make the obnoxious behavior the thing that earns dinner. Wait for a little calm, then feed.

Puzzle feeders can help, too, especially for cats who believe every waking moment should somehow involve snacks.

And no, “but look how hungry I am” is not proof of starvation when there’s still food in the bowl.

The Occupation of the Keyboard

Cats have access to beds, blankets, chairs, sofas, windowsills, cat trees and approximately 97 other comfortable surfaces.

Naturally, they want the keyboard.

Preferably while you’re using it.

This is strategic genius. They’ve seized critical infrastructure AND placed themselves directly between you and whatever stupid human activity is keeping your hands from petting them.

Koji is especially good at close-range supervision. Mika tends to operate more like upper management. She may not be physically present, but rest assured, she has concerns.

If you work from home, put a bed, box or folded blanket next to your workspace. A lot of cats aren’t actually obsessed with Microsoft Word. They want warmth, proximity and a decent view of what the staff is doing.

Give them their own workstation.

Just don’t expect them to answer email.

The Treaty of the Lap

Then suddenly, peace breaks out.

A cat climbs into your lap. There’s purring. Maybe a head bump. Maybe one of those slow blinks that makes you feel ridiculously honored even though you’re a grown adult and the other participant is currently licking his butt.

Your leg goes numb.

You have to pee.

Your coffee is six feet away.

Doesn’t matter. Nobody moves during peace negotiations.

This is one of the things I genuinely love about cats. When they choose to curl up against you, slow blink, head-butt you or simply settle nearby, they’re showing trust in their own very cat-like way.

Return the slow blink. Let them initiate contact when you can. And pay attention when the tail starts twitching or the body gets tense.

Because “this is lovely” can become “get your damn hand off me” in about half a second.

The Great Door Conflict

I have yet to meet a cat who believes a closed door is constitutional.

Open it.

Cat stands there.

“You coming in?”

Nothing.

Close it.

Scratch scratch scratch.

Open it again.

Cat walks away.

What the hell?

Cats are territorial creatures, and a closed door suddenly removes access to part of what they consider THEIR territory. Notice I didn’t say your territory. Don’t be ridiculous.

If a door genuinely needs to stay closed, consistency works better than opening it every time somebody complains. Give them something interesting on their side of the border and stick to the rule.

Otherwise, congratulations. You’re now employed as a full-time feline doorman with no salary and terrible benefits.

Psychological Warfare

Then there’s the staring.

Not at you.

Behind you.

Into the hallway.

At the ceiling.

At absolutely nothing.

And because you apparently have no survival instinct whatsoever, you turn around.

There’s nothing there.

The cat continues staring.

Five minutes later you’re wondering whether the house is haunted and whether Zillow has anything affordable nearby.

Most of the time, your cat has heard, smelled or seen something your comparatively pathetic human equipment didn’t pick up. A bug. Plumbing. A reflection. Something outside.

Check the obvious stuff before calling an exorcist.

But if the staring comes with disorientation, unusual crying, balance problems or a noticeable behavior change, that’s different. That’s when the joke stops. Call the vet IMMEDIATELY.

The 3 A.M. Offensive

Nobody knows who started it.

You’re asleep.

Suddenly there’s thunder in the hallway.

One cat flies through the bedroom at approximately Mach 4. Something hits the floor. There’s a pause.

Then another crash.

You turn on the light and both cats are sitting there looking at you like, “What?”

This is particularly impressive because cats can go from violent hallway lunatic to innocent woodland creature in roughly three seconds.

Cats are naturally more active around dawn and dusk, and if they’ve spent half the day sleeping while we’re working, they may have quite a bit left in the tank when we’d prefer everybody knock it the hell off.

A good interactive play session in the evening can help. Get them chasing, pouncing and stalking, then follow it with a small meal or snack.

Hunt. Eat. Settle.

Does it guarantee nobody will perform parkour off your dresser at 3:17 a.m.?

Please. These are cats we’re talking about.

Peace Talks

Eventually, the fighting stops.

Mika finds her spot. Koji curls up close to me. Somebody purrs. I get a head bump or a slow blink.

And just like that, all charges are dropped.

The shredded paper? Forgotten.

The breakfast harassment? Ancient history.

The stolen chair? Water under the bridge.

The fact that I apparently need feline authorization to use the bathroom alone? We’ll revisit that at the next summit.

And this, I think, is the whole ridiculous secret behind living with cats.

A lot of the “war” happens because humans and cats are trying to communicate using completely different rulebooks.

Cats aren’t tiny furry people plotting revenge because we offended them on Tuesday. They repeat behaviors that work. They want security. They want control over their environment. They have normal feline needs and instincts, and sometimes those needs collide head-on with our very unreasonable desire to sleep, work, eat or own furniture.

The best thing we can do is learn what they’re actually telling us, give them acceptable ways to do normal cat things, reward the behavior we want and stop accidentally rewarding the crap we complain about.

For thousands of years, humans have attempted to live peacefully beside cats.

Cats, meanwhile, were never informed that this was the arrangement.

And somehow, against all available evidence, the alliance holds.

Mostly because they purr.

The manipulative little bastards.

Ciao,

The snarkiest cat…

The Cat Whisperer Blog
Snarky Cat Boutique

Written for the Cat Whisperer Blog by Annie St. Germain, Editor in Chief
and her Kitty chroniclers Mika and Koji at Snarky Cat Boutique.

Want more kitty snark delivered straight to your inbox like a cat hairball on your pillow? Sign up for my monthly-ish newsletter – The Scratching Post Press, and remember to Subscribe to The Cat Whisperer Blog so you don’t miss a toe bean.

Snarky Cat Boutique — Powered by coffee, creativity, cat hair and cusswords.

Be sure and check out my new Cat Whisperer Blog Podcast channel. Each week I bring selected posts from The Cat Whisperer Blog at SnarkyCatBoo.com to life in audio. Stay tuned for real-life cat stories, feline humor, cat behavior insights, practical cat care tips, and the everyday adventures of my two quirky rescue cats, Mika and Koji. Every episode is paired with photos that bring the stories to life.

Here’s the link: The Cat Whisperer Blog Podcast